From the Edge

by Daryl Perkins

New Years Day has come and gone and I am still working on my list of resolutions. Here’s what I have so far…

I will start with resolutions I have made for other people. First of all, Prince William and Kate Middleton. They are planning a forty-million dollar/pound wedding all paid for by the taxpayers of England. But, I will send them a request that they make the resolution to scale back their nuptials to a mere one million and give the remaining 39-million to the homeless and hungry. Or, better yet, let the taxpayers keep their money. Heck, my wedding cost under a hundred bucks and I am just as married.

My next resolution suggestion will be for our current president and will extend to all presidents that follow him. They will all resolve to stop taking expensive vacations in Hawaii and spend Christmas and other holidays at home like the rest of us. That will cut back on airplane fuel and luxury suites for Secret Service men and all the other trappings.

As for Sarah Palin, she will resolve never to kill another poor defenseless animal with a high powered rifle unless her family REALLY needs the food. Right now she is raking in one million per episode of her Alaska show, so she shouldn’t be needing to hunt anytime soon.

Politicians, and everyone else for that matter, will resolve to stop lying. Can you imagine a world where everyone tells the truth? This could begin with a single household. A woman asks her husband…”Does this make me look fat?” And he says. “As a matter of fact, it does.” This would save the woman the embarrassment of going out in public in an outfit that accentuates her big butt. She would genuinely thank her husband for being honest.

Miley Cyrus will resolve to not turn out to be like Lyndsay Lohan, and Lyndsay will resolve to graduate from rehab for good. Justin Bieber will get a Mohawk. Everyone on FaceBook will commit to stop posting their religious and political views. The Wikileak guy will stop leaking. Al Gore will move to Minnesota and stop talking about global warming.

Roy Morales, of the Moberly Mirror, will resolve to always laugh at everything I write.

Okay, now it is my turn. I resolve to …. oh no, I see I am out of space, so you’ll have to wait until next year to hear mine.

Only kidding. This year I have made some resolutions that are doable. I plan on keeping every one of these:

1. I plan to read less.

2. I want to gain weight. I will put on at least 30 pounds.

3. I will stop wasting time on exercising.

4. I will watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff.
5. I might procrastinate more, but I haven’t decided on this one yet.
6. I will start being superstitious.
7. I will eat more fast food.

8. I will take up a new habit….maybe smoking.

9. I will increase my nap time.

10. I will spend a lot more money on frivolous things.

There you have it. I hope you all have as much success with your new year as I plan to. I’ll think of you as I drive by the gym on my way to the donut shop. Happy 2011.

I will leave you with the immortal words of Oprah Winfrey: “Here’s to a New Year and another chance for us to get it right.”

Until next time …

(Daryl welcomes all comments and suggestions. Email her at: perkinstrades@gmail.com)